Comrade Harold/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, there are lots of occasions where a man has to stand for long periods of time... At a parade or at a funeral or in the mall when your wife says, "now, you just stand right there." but as you get older you find you're a lot happier sittin' down. That's because there's a lot less they can stand for. Well, here's a nifty trick. Get yourself a barstool with a little back on it. They're not easy to find. I must've tried on 100 barstools before I found this baby. Then what you wanna do is measure around yourself, around your knees, including the back. Then you go down to your local fat guy clothing store and get yourself matching clothes in that size. And if the guy asks you how come you need pants that big, you tell him because they need to go around your stool. Use a barrel hoop as a belt so your pants will keep their shape. That's pretty much all there is to it. Now you can look like you're standing tall, when in fact you're sittin' pretty. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. I appreciate that. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Harold's done some deal with one of the universities, mcgill-u or carleton-u or who asked you. I don't know, something. Anyway, they're doing this experiment where we all gotta be communists or something. Not too excited about driving ladas and makin' beer out of potatoes. I mean, what do you call it, spud lite? Uncle red! Uncle red! I have your comrade uniform right here. You have to be like me. Well, luckily, harold, that's impossible. We all have to dress the same. It's in the rules. Ah, harold. How did you get us into this anyway? Well, it was the political science dean. He got a grant to evaluate different forms of government. This is a sociological experiment. Well, so are you. Why does everybody have to suffer? Not for free. Yeah, we're getting compensated. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's really very simple. Everything's based on everyone being treated the same, from each to from his ability to each of his need. So you mean you get treated the same whether you're a brain surgeon or a bat boy? Yes! No one is judged. Well, I can certainly see why you'd like that. You know, I don't like it when everybody's the same. Well, there's lots of ways people can be the same. Yeah, well, there lots of ways people can be different. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today mike hamar will be playing to win a free weekend at the elvis presley rock 'n' roll fantasy camp! Home of elvis' favourite dish, chicken a la king... For people "who love meat tender." okay, cover your ears, mike. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word... All right, winston. And... Go! Okay, mike, this is something that sits in your living room window, and you water it once a week. Grandpa? No, no, I know. This is something that hangs around the lamppost downtown. Oh, grandma. No. No. Okay. This is like when you dig a hole in the backyard and you put something in it... Nobody proved any of that. Okay, I know, I know. Your uncle, you know, the big guy, think of his job, rendering... People unconscious. No, okay. Okay. Okay, I know. This withers in the cold weather. So does mine! Um, almost outta time, red. Yeah, okay. Mike, this is so simple. What do you buy from the florist in town? Nothing. He's not a real florist. He's an undercover r.C.M.P. You know, kinda like a plant. There we go! Today on talking animals, local animal control officer, ed frid, has brought us a wild parrot from the brazilian coast. Actually, red, I looked into getting a wild parrot. Uh, turns out they've got sharp, untrimmed claws and, uh, unpredictable temperaments and sharp, untrimmed claws. That are sharp and untrimmed. All right, then where does this one come from? Well, this one's my girlfriend's. Yeah, she named it oprah. Well, obviously a talker, huh? Well, red, that's a common misconception. But interesting thing about parrots... All parrots have hollow bones. Parrot: Loser! Did you call me a loser? Just now, no. Okay. The other thing about parrots is, uh, they've got these hooked beaks that are great for digging dirt and opening seeds -- parrot: Loser! Okay, I guess you think that's funny, huh? Do you think that's funny? Yeah, I do, actually. It's not me, okay, ed. It's the parrot. And he's not calling you a loser. It's just a word he picked up somewhere. Parrot: Ed frid is a loser! Can't commit. Emotionally immature. Oh, I know what's happening. The parrot has picked up words and phrases that your girlfriend uses. How she talks about you. [ chuckling ] -- oh. Well, that makes me feel better. Well, look. Make it work the other way around. You can uses the bird to relay messages back to your girlfriend. Just leave a message after the beak. Well, okay. What do I say? Well, it sounds to me like she's lookin' for a commitment, like, I would say a marriage proposal. I think that's what the audience wants to hear. Am I right? [ cheers and applause ] great. Honey, w-w-w-ould you -- w-w-w-ould you marry me? Parrot: Not until you get a better job! [ applause ] depending on where you live, your town may pick up your garbage once or maybe twice a week. The problem is they won't take it, unless you haul your can all the way down to the end of the driveway, which means your trash starts piling up faster than your excuses. Before you know it, the neighbours are complaining, your wife is embarrassed, and the raccoons have turned your yard into a drive-thru. Oh, yeah, sure, I suppose you could take the garbage out every week. But I never it call it success when I take something I don't like and find a way to do it more often. Wouldn't it be better if we could cram four weeks of trash into one can? We'd only have to take the garbage out once a month. So today on handyman corner we're not just talkin' trash, we're talkin' trash compactor. I started by filling this garbage can with cement. Next step... Gently remove the hardened concrete. Okay, now this whole assembly is going to do the compacting. That's why I used a compact car. See, actually, the cement is already heavy enough, but then you hook it onto a vehicle, that garbage is going to be feeling as much downward pressure as moose thompson's feet. And of course, the whole process is mechanized; otherwise, it would require manual labour, and as you know, I have no use for any kind of manual. I've attached the garbage can to the garage door with this hook I got off a tow truck. You can get these pretty cheap. Just slam on your brakes while you're bein' towed. Now all's we do is toss the garbage bags into the can. Look full to you? Not even close. And there's the end of it. So remember: If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, boy. Just for the record... 18 bags is the limit. You know, I have a theory that man's life is a long list of sandwiches. Like, when you're a kid, you're peanut butter and jam. Life is sweet, no crusts. Then you get to be a teenager, you're a toasted clubhouse. You got a little bacon goin' for you, but the girls still stay away because either they're chicken or you're a turkey. Then as a young man, you become a ham and cheese -- more ham than cheese, but that will reverse as you get older. But maybe now you've reached the not so healthy sandwich years, huh? The big, fat, greasy corned-beef-on-a-kaiser years. Things are hanging out all over the place. You're lookin' kinda rough. You've biggie sized yourself. Your fat content is through the roof. And if you don't start saving some bread soon, you could end up open-faced. Okay, this is when you need your wife's help. Your wife is the spoonful of coleslaw that can save your life. You be nice to her, because if she leaves, you've had the bun. And you are way too old to be holdin' the pickle. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] veni, vidi vacuum... We came, we saw, we sucked. Well, this whole communist experiment isn't goin' too bad. I'm gettin' paid for doin' nothin', so it's not that much of an adjustment. Actually thinkin' about changin' the name of the lodge to red green square. Um, uncle red. We might have a bit of a problem. Yeah, well, you know, under the communist system all industry is owned by the government. So, uh, technically, this show belongs to the government. Well, I'm sure they'll change their minds once they see it, harold. Yes, but no individual is allowed to reap capital gains, so therefore, you have to turn over all your profits for the show. What, you mean for all 13 seasons? Well, this is a killer, harold. Can you change a 20? Okay, great. Mr. Green, this is not working! What's the matter, mike? You see everybody dressed in the greys and you get homesick? No! No, it's just when everybody owns everything then nobody's got anything worth stealin'. It's the end of the world as we know it. I'm in the same boat, red. Everyone's after me to pump out their septics, and according to the rules, I can't charge anything, and they can't pay anything. Geez, it's like workin' for your relatives. Yeah, tell me about it. Harold, winston and I are quitting. Winston's parked his truck next to my store, and for us it's back to business as usual. Oh, no! You can't do that! No, you can't have a pocket of capitalism right in the middle of a communist territory. Oh, it's no problem, harold. We built a wall around our section. Yep, built it out of wrecked cars. Well, I'd like to see that. That's a scrap iron curtain. Red: Walter was out behind the lodge. He wanted to do a little drywall work, and I had the instructions there that I was folding into an airplane, and I had the plans there as well. Uh, walter's pretty strong. I didn't figure he need -- just put down on the saw -- easy now. Easy. Easy. Easy. You're good. You're good. You're good. All right, I just fired the plane at him. There we go. [ red chuckles ] love gliders. Love the paper airplanes. Now I'm makin' a bigger one out of the actual plans, and I'm not payin' a lot of attention to walter. Lookit, that's a beautiful thing. That looks kinda like the concorde. And I made her so she curves right around, and watch yourself there. Oh, boy! See what kind of fun that is, walter? That's more fun than -- now walter's gettin' an idea. Wait a second. It's just a big rectangular sheet that you fold into a paper airplane, and drywall is kinda a big rectangular sheet that when you score it, you can fold -- I didn't know quite what was goin' on, but he's makin' all kinds of marks and everything. When he actually grabbed the one side and started to fold her over, I kinda got the feelin' -- oh, that looks kinda winglike, doesn't it? And he made just an unbelievable huge glider airplane there. She is a beauty. That's a -- that's like the 747 of gliders there. And let her go... And oh, boy. Oh, boy, but hey, she's airborne, baby. Oh! Beautiful. She's a good -- walter, she's comin' -- walter, she's comin' this way. Walter, walter. Away you go. Away you go. Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Make a wish, walter. Oh! And then I see him comin' and I'm thinkin', if I can get him to land inside the van it would kinda break the fall. And I'm lookin' for a couple of flashlights, you know, like they use at the airport, to kinda signal the big -- so there you go. I got a hammer and a pipe wrench. That's gonna have to -- that's gonna have to do. And he's gettin' awful close, and he just -- oh, boy! Oh! All right, now, for you youngsters out there, it's a real important safety lesson. If someone is ever injured, your main job is to stay calm and get them to the hospital as quickly as possible. [ applause ] this is the experts portion of the programme where we address those three little words men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! Okay, and here's our letter... "dear experts, "my wife has a lot of female intuition. "she can look at me and know what I'm thinking. "how does she do that? "I never have a clue what she's been up to." boy, I can relate to that. Yeah, especially the never having a clue part. No! I meant the way that when ann marie looks at me, she knows exactly what I'm thinking. Woman are just -- they're good at that! No, it's not just women. I mean, I can tell, every time somebody looks at me, what they're thinkin': "that's the guy!" nah, women don't have any kind of special intuition. Men give themselves away with their body language, that's all. You mean like walkin' through the door with your hands up? Well, yeah. No, I mean, you know, we're pretty simple machines. We're not hard to figure out. We're like bulldozers, you know? Lots of power, lots of gas, we move things from place to another, don't really change anything, you know? You know, women, they're more complicated. They're like computers. You can see what's goin' on on the screen, but you know by all the humming and whirring that there's something else going on in the background. Is that why women are so hard to understand? You ever seen how big a computer manual is, mike? Yeah, you see, women have got the software, and they've got the graphics package, and they got the huge memory banks. That's memory with an "e." and you gotta press the right buttons, or they'll freeze up on you. Yeah, and all their dads are lookin' at 'em and trying to figure out whether they should get a newer model with a faster operating system or just upgrade the one they've already got and run the risk of getting into bed with yesterday's technology. No. No. No. No way. Okay, so you're saying this viewer doesn't have a ghost of a chance of figuring out the whole female intuition thing because she's as complex as a computer? Yeah, if he's thinking of getting a newer model or upgrading, she'll be onto him in a port asbestos minute. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You start foolin' around with a woman computer, you're gonna find out what "boot up" really means. [ applause ] you know there's an old saying, into every meal a few vegetables may fall. Here they go now. That was easy, but what happens if your wife's there? You know she sees red if you don't eat your greens. Well, here's a simple solution to the problem... Get yourself a rat trap and an old side view mirror you don't use anymore. Cauliflower may be closer than it appears. Now I just attach the mirror face down to the spring mount on my rat trap, see, and then when I tap the release, I'll rig her so she just comes up to 90°, which will hide my veggies and make the plate look clean. David copperfield, eat your heart out. Better yet, eat my wife's turnip casserole. Let's demonstrate this in a full dinner setting, shall we? As you can see, I've moved all my undesirables to one half of the plate, and on the other half, I can enjoy the rest of my meat entree. Mm-mm-mm! Now I just rotate the plate so that the mirror is facing towards bernice, and then I subtly hit the release when she's not watching. And I'm ready for dessert. Never could keep my veggies down. [ applause ] lock the door! I think we lost 'em. Okay, well, we've just witnessed the collapse of our communist regime. Oh, uncle red, I'm so sorry about this mess. It wasn't really your fault, harold. What am I saying? I mean, at least we got paid, right? Right! At least we got paid, right? R-r-right -- well, not paid in a sense of money per se. Not money I could put in my wife's purse, say? Each of us gets 25% off any post-graduate course we wanna take. Oh, no! What do they want? I already announced we were gonna turn down the government. I think I know what they're after, harold. [ men shouting ] settle down! Settle down! Here you go! [ applause ] yes, sir. First rule of politics, harold... Give the people what they want. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, comrade. I'll be right down. Okay. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And, uh, the communist thing is over, but we can still party, huh? With the difference bein' I won't be rushin', and I'm hopin' you won't be stallin'. To the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] the meeting's about to begin. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, men, the communist thing didn't really work out so good. So I think we should go back to thinking and acting as individuals. All in favour... Opposed... That's more like it. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com